Coming Soon: The 2011-2012 Television Season – FOX

Every few months I make sure to get fired from whatever job I’ve got just so I can sit at home and catch up on all the TV I’ve missed. And with the Fall season upon us, I better find someone to harass or run over with my car or something. The networks are throwing a metric glut at us over the next few weeks, so consider this your scorecard. Something to help you decide on what you want to check out, and what you want to leave alone (most of it you’ll want to leave alone).

The New Girl

You could also call this one FOX’s Best-Kept Secret, because HEY DID YOU KNOW ZOOEY DESCHANEL’S GOT A NEW TV SHOW?? Now hear me out. I used to love Zooey Deschanel. She was the girl I would hold and tell that everything would be alright, because our love would get us through the hard times (Cotton’s dropped her as their spokesperson in this scenario). That was until I saw (500) Days of Summer, the message of which was that women can do whatever the hell they want because they’re cute and they “want to.” It was enough to take me off the ZD train forever. At least I’ve always got The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. But really, I’m just happy that FOX will continue to shove promos for this show down our throats until ratings tumble and they’re forced to put it in the cold, cold ground.

Alcatraz

Alacatraz comes from J.J. Abrams, the man who brought us Six Degrees and Undercovers and who was minimally involved with Lost. So whatever happens, you know it’s gonna be good. Besides the time travel, the island, and the already-thin plot FOX is going to drag out over the next several years, what I like most about this show is that it’s got Sarah Jones as a police officer! What kind of topsy-turvy opposite day bulls**t is this! How about a show where Alex O’Loughlin doesn’t play a complete charisma vacuum! How about Jim Parsons actually working for that Emmy! It’s science fiction! Anything goes!

Allen Gregory

Allen Gregory is like one of those joke shows you see a commercial for on another show, with some ridiculous premise like, “When the baby drinks the mad scientist’s brain juice things get a little craaazy! Brainy Baby! Sundays this Fall!” It also kind of proves my theory that a baby or small kid doing anything — as long as it’s played straight — will be funny. Exhibit A! The E*TRADE babies! Exhibit B! Well, pretty much just the E*TRADE babies. Anyway, my logic is infallible. So, Jonah Hill as a cartoon Perez Hilton (without the ego or f***ed up hair) has a chance of going somewhere. And hey, people liked The Cleveland Show, so why not, right?

I Hate My Teenage Daughter

I thought it was pretty considerate of FOX to cut out all those shots of Jaime Pressly and Katie Finneran looking at the camera, winking and trying to hold back their laughter at how over-the-top and just plain ZANY their show is. You know, just so we could stay in the world. What makes I Hate My Teenage Daughter such a slam dunk is how relatable it all is, because kids, right? And what’s great is that it’ll be just as true after eight seasons of the same joke as it is now!

The Finder

The Bones spin-off America’s been clamoring for is finally here in The Finder, with Geoff Stults playing the titular finder. What I’ve always enjoyed about these shows — and we could be talking about cops, doctors, firemen, lawyers, whatever — is all the little bits of knowledge you pick up about the profession. For example, did you know that most hulking black men moonlight as lawyers? I didn’t. Also, did you know you could solve murders just by staring at a bunch of poster clippings and s**t taped up on somebody’s ceiling? It’s true. THAT’S how they caught Jeffrey Dahmer. It wasn’t those bodies in his freezer. Also, there’s a direct correlation between personal and professional success and the amount of pure, unadulterated sex you exude in the presence of others. Well, that one happens to be true, but I’m still sick of TV shows being written around it.

Terra Nova

This is a show that’s been so hyped-up it’ll either be a huge success or a spectacular failure. One or the other. There can be no middle ground. This isn’t a show like Fringe that’s relatively cheap to produce and will be kept around even with low ratings. And with the next-to-nothing numbers Fringe is pulling in every week, the demise of Dollhouse, The Sarah Connor Chronicles and Firefly (which I’m still angry about and adding on this list for some reason, just kidding, I’ve never seen it), I’ve got a feeling that things are gonna break BIG for Avatar-With-Dinosaurs. And I’m sure that people won’t even realize that the show makes no sense.

Coming up next, a bog, a log, and a… frog? Nope. It’s NBC.