Game of Thrones – “The Old Gods and the New”Posted: May 6, 2012
A few weeks ago, I said that I didn’t hate Theon Greyjoy, but I hated his family. Well, much like President Obama, my thoughts and feelings on the matter are constantly evolving. And after a period of some weeks I’ve come to the conclusion that Theon needs the ever-loving piss beat out of him.
In “The Ghost of Harrenhal,” Ser Jorah told Dany that kind and wise rulers were rare things, and we’re starting to see the proof of that with this crop of Amazing Race contestants, all in their mad dash to the Iron Throne. We knew Robert was a drunk and a man whore. We knew from the second we saw that little bastard’s face that Joffrey would grow up to be a crazy person, but we’re now getting a sense as to how everyone else would rule, given the chance.
Theon’s got a point: he can’t fight for Robb and his father. But the side he ends up choosing says a lot about the kind of person he is. He’s interested in power. And he sees falling in line with his dad and his sister (and those dead eyes of hers) as the fastest way to achieving that. If, in the process, he has to betray — or, in the case of Ser Rodrik, kill — the people who raised and cared for him, then so be it. So Theon struts around, getting pissy when people don’t call him lord or prince or whatever, and has anyone sent word to his dad to let him know his son’s taken ALL OF WINTERFELL???
The thing is, Theon isn’t honorable, or even very smart. And when Osha shows up in his room that night, rubbing her private parts all over him (in exchange for her freedom), Theon lets his guard down and hands the wheel over to Mr. Knish. Later, Osha sneaks out and escapes with Bran, Rickon, and HODOR**.
(**But not before slitting one of Theon’s guard’s throats. Yet another man without enough blood in his body to use his brain and penis at the same time. If a woman EVER jumps out of the shadows and tells you that she’s there just to get down and dirty with YOU… SHE’S LYING. I speak from bitter, bitter experience (through a stoma microphone).)
I assume Bran and co. are going to try and meet up with Robb, who has the kind eyes, muscular shoulders and perfumed hair of virtuous leaders throughout history. When we join Robb, we see he has another run-in with Lady Talisa and learns that she also comes from a noble family. That’ll make it that much easier for the two of them to have sex with each other, which they very obviously want to. The only thing really standing in their way are these rules Robb speaks of. Rules the nobility are forced to play by in their dealings with each other. Also Catelyn, who proves herself part of a proud tradition of mothers ruining things between their sons and attractive women. It’s just as well that Catelyn runs Talisa off, because when Robb gets word that Theon’s TAKEN WINTERFELL IN THE NAME OF BALON, LORD OF THE IRON ISLANDS, the monster comes out, and he demands that Theon be captured and brought back to camp alive, so that he may understand his treachery before taking his head. And really, that’s not a side we want to be showing the ladies.
Scientists have tested, done double blind studies and published papers proving that Tyrion Lannister is the best thing about Game of Thrones. Likewise, they’ve used science to prove that Joffrey is a little shit, so it was a kind of perfect storm of awesome to watch Tyrion slap his nephew right across the face. If only to get him to shut up about executing his entire effing kingdom for throwing cow s**t and laughing at him. Tyrion going off about how this is exactly why his kingdom hates him is the kind of thing you’d like to think is going to wake him up, maybe serve as a little course correction. But it’s too easy to it pushing him completely over the edge. If he wasn’t crazy before, this is definitely going to push him over the edge. Either that, or send him crying into the arms of Cersei, who will come up with some way to try and get Tyrion out of the city, or have him killed, because damn this family is weird.
Beyond the Wall, the Night Watch’s search for whatever lies beyond the Wall continues. Danger, Wildlings, ice. We’re not sure what they’re going to find, but damn is it boring. Now, Jon Snow’s run across one of the maids from Downton Abbey, and of course they get separated from the rest of Jon’s group. Now they’re free to roam across the whole of the Svínafellsjökull glacier, doing their Odd Couple bit. When we leave them, we see them huddling together, trying to preserve some warmth as the sun sets, with Ygritte wiggling around, trying to get comfortable, but really rubbing against Jon Snow, you know, in that way. Don’t give in, Jon. We’ve seen where that path leads.
I’m not sure if I should be weirded out by the chemistry between Tywin Lannister and Arya Stark. That’s wrong, right? But I love watching them talk. Rather than getting sucked into that relationship, developing any sort of loyalty to the man despite the compliments he pays her and the regard we can see him begin to hold her in, Arya’s paying attention to what she’s hearing in Tywin’s war council, and even steals a note concerning troop movements against Robb. I never understood why people in her position would be so stupid to take those sorts of sensitive things to read them out in the open, and hold them right out in front of them so that whoever they invariably run into — and they always run into someone — can grab it and ask, “What have we got HERE?” in a gruff voice. That was only made worse by having Arya run into Jaquen and getting him to kill Ser Armory toot sweet. Didn’t really ring true. But I guess it can’t all be magic.
I want to end this by talking about an issue that’s very dear to me, and that’s animal cruelty. I love Dany very much. But I can’t help but agree with that spice trader. She’s talking a big game, but her claim to the Iron Throne isn’t built on much. And she’s betting on an awful lot of support that may not be there once she gets back to Westeros. So I can’t help but cringe a little when I hear her threats about blood and fire and killing everyone who doesn’t give her everything she wants. But then she and Think Tank get back to her place, and we see all the dead bodies, and we see that the dragons are missing. And now I want Dany to KILL. EVERYONE. I have a soft spot for animals, and it sometimes causes me to act irrationally. Although in this case I feel like killing everyone would be a completely appropriate response.
Others may disagree.